masterofsoresu: (Default)
Obi-Wan's been living in a room paid for by Anakin. He feels guilty about that, but isn't sure what use this cantina has for an extra Jedi spirit on its payroll.
There is no emotion, there is peace.
He dealt with the psychological havoc of recent "days" by retreating to that room and meditating, only coming out for meals when he was sure Nyarlathotep had gone.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
After a while, he dispersed into the Force again, as he'd done after the Speaking. In this immaterial state, he lent his strength to those who appeared to need it most. (Such as he could reach, anyway.)
There is no passion, there is serenity.
Now, he senses the departure of the Crawling Chaos, like a great weight lifted off the rubber-sheet that relativistic physicists use as a metaphor for space-time. With that gone, he feels ready to be himself again.
There is no death, there is the Force.
He pulls himself back together, coalescing in his rooms and taking shape. Whatever use the bar may or may not have for him, he's already had a quiet retirement.

Now

Dec. 20th, 2004 07:33 pm
masterofsoresu: (Default)
It has been some time since Anakin spoke to him. Some time since he last had the need for a separate consciousness.

Now, the same sense of longing that struck him then comes to him again. Strong enough to tear at his heart like a claw.

I have to go to him.

Certain of this, are you?

As certain as I've ever been of anything.

Remember, when the door you pass through, no turning back will there be, until the Force wills it.

There is no death; there is the Force.

And he "moves" in the "direction" of his greatest student, of the father of his last apprentice. Obi-Wan Kenobi goes where he is needed.
masterofsoresu: (Default)
Where he is, time and space are points of view, not absolute truths. The senses are what you make of them. He doesn't really have a body, just an unwavering band of light. But he can tell that the words he hears are addressed to him.

"I'm sorry." The words hang in the air for a minute. "I know Yoda said sorry wasn't enough, but I had to start with that, because it's true. I'm sorry I was such a bad Padawan. I'm sorry I was so angry with you. I'm sorry I never knew how much you loved me. I'm sorry I- I killed you." He swallows, fighting back the rising tears.

I'm sorry I was such a poor Master. I'm sorry I never knew what to do about your anger. I'm sorry I never said how much I loved you. I'm sorry we ever had to duel. But at the end, I gave my life willingly. My time was over; Luke's had just begun.

"I'm not sorry for loving Padme, though." This is said with just the slightest edge of fierceness.

You shouldn't be. In fact, I'm sorry the Order required you to choose between her and your Jedi duties.

"I am sorry for forcing all of you into hiding. I'm sorry I never knew the twins. And I'm sorry I stopped knowing you. I missed you, Obi-Wan. Really, I did. I tried not to admit it, because I wanted to be angry with you, but I did miss you. I missed Padme, too."

He feels, more than "sees" in any visual sense, Anakin start crying again. He tries to say We all missed her, but all that he conveys is a vague sense of comfort.

"I came back for Luke, though. He believed in me, like you did, all those years ago. And he was right. I didn't think it was possible, but he was right." He smiles through the tears at the thought of his good boy, insisting he had to save him.

"And now I talk to him. He wants me to train him, Obi-Wan. He *trusts* me to train him. How could you do it? How could you take on a Padawan, knowing you had to teach them everything? Knowing that one wrong word or wrong action could cause so much harm?"


Because I made a promise to Master Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan thinks. And because I knew that if I hadn't agreed to train you, I doubt any of the Council would have done. And the thought of someone with your power, not being under Jedi training... What if Sidious had scooped you up then and there, to replace the apprentice I slew?

"He scares me, just a little. They all scare me. Val, Luke, Peter...they look up to me. I don't know why. How could they? They know what I was, and they still call me Daddy, Father, Teacher. I'm so afraid of doing it wrong, Obi-Wan."

So was I. I worried all the time that I wasn't handling matters the way I should. When all else failed, I spent a lot of time trying to be Qui-Gon or Yoda. It seemed easier, and less dangerous, than being myself.

"I don't deserve them, either. I don't deserve any of this. I caused so much pain, and yet I have friends and children and students. I thought I lost my only chance at those when I fell. I keep thinking none of this is real, that I'll wake up trapped in my armor again, unable to escape."

You may not deserve it yet. But from the sound of things, you're trying.

"I'm afraid, Obi-Wan. I'm afraid of falling again. I don't want to. I feel like a Jedi again. Peter says I never stopped being one, but I hadn't felt it, not until I saw Yoda. He smiled at me, you know. He smiled at me, and told me to fix myself. He didn't curse me, or hate me, just scolded me like I was a Padawan again."

The second time Anakin has mentioned Yoda appearing to him. Obi-Wan wonders if the greatest Master really did. The answer he gets back, from another unwavering band of light, is confusing, and involves changed morphic fields and subquantum resonances.

"I wish you were here. I want to talk to you. I want to sit with you and talk about Luke, and Leia, and have it be like old times again. I know I can't, I know I don't deserve it, but how I wish...."

Yes. I wish too. And then the strain of awareness becomes too much, and he fades away.

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masterofsoresu

February 2005

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